Tuesday, April 14, 2015

With words, I fell in love...

Words! Mere words! How terrible they were! How clear, and vivid, and cruel! One could not escape from them. And yet what a subtle magic there was in them! They seemed to be able to give a form to formless things, and to have a music of their own as sweet as that of viol or of lute. Mere words! Was there anything so real as words.

Words, for him were more real than I. And this a story of the man who fell in love with my words. I have had a few compliments for my writing but no one compared to the way he put his words in his sentences that made me feel euphoric. I tell you, he was writer of his own in his paragraphs of words put together that made my cheecks flush red. Every word we exchanged was an explosion of it's own that felt like it formed another galaxy of it's own. My words, his words we created a story of our own.

He had a flair of his own kind in his use of his words that made my soul shiver. Every single kind words of compliment he threw my way, I went head over heels to catch them. He had swept my feet of the ground even before I had the chance to realize it. The ground I was standing on seem to dissappear. My universe limited to the lenght of his arms wrapped around my body. My sun become the warmth he provided. His eyes became the only stars I watched and wished upon. He became my home, my universe and every words I penned. He became my muse and I his.

But he was whore for words; words beautifully knitted into stories that kept him amused. Like whore to bodies, his transaction of words didn't limit to me. I was just another book he cherished in his shelves.

Then I felt, that I had given away my whole soul to some one who treated it as if it were a flower to put in his coat, a bit of decoration to charm his vanity, an ornament for a summer’s day.

And now, there's a new a boy in town who whispers to the stars. Who's words do not fit the vocabulary of any kind. His words come as real as they are for his words are not mere words spoken, his words are hidden in his actions. And I'm in love with his words again!

Monday, April 6, 2015


Heavenly, blissful, charming, sins
Souls trapped, flesh bones
Guilty pleasure, ugly pain
My very own sins.

Started how it ends,
Choosing miseries in vain.
Something beautiful, your lips
Something sinful, on mine.

Colourful us. Colourless them.
Sins, like tainted picture.
Lust painted mortal love,
Blood, wounds, scars, sins.

Frightening skies, unknown hills,
Long gone past, haunting,
Chasing foxes every green.
Living with ghosts, sins.

Stolen glances, fearful sins.
Eyes open wildest dreams.
Blood rushing with adrenalines,
Thoughtless actions, thoughtful sins.

Brave hearts, fearful sins.
Endless directions, chained wings.
Darling! My sweet darling,
You cherished, I sinned.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

My first QnA!!!

So, this week I thought I'd do a Question and Answer blog. And I took on my Facebook account where you guys commened your questions. This is the result. I hope you guys enjoy it.

1. How do you stay Inspired every week without fail and also how you combat writer's block. (A syndrome I suffer from more often than not)?

♥To be completely honest, I have days where I just want to lay on my bed and do nothing. Laziness! Emotional breakdowns! Writer's block! Tiredness!  You name it. I guess I try to find inspiration in everything. But most importantly I try to find inspiration within myself. I have a bad habit of pretending to shut down my emotions when I cannot handle it and when I'm around people. So, when I'm all alone I let them flow. I feel every minimal emotions I have suppressed within me. (It gets real messy sometimes) And then I try to move on. I find it rejuvenating and in that moment I try to pin point why I wanted to go through it, why I wanted to do this or where I want my life to go. And when in that process of getting to know myself, I find inspiration.

On not so emotional days, I find inspiration in other people.

2. I love your writing honey ☺ You are great !! As you're new in the Blogging world .. Tell me what is one best and worst part of it ?? Let's see if our answer matches ☺

♥One of the best part of blogging is having a day to look forward to it. And when I stick to my commitments it feels GOOD! Wednesdays are not so boring anymore....waiting to post my blogs and seeing how people react to it. EXHILARATING!!!

One of the worst part would be ... i don't know.... I quite enjoy everything about blogging. It gives me reasons to write which I absolutely enjoy. But I guess falling short on my expectations can be here used as a part that I dislike.

3. What does my middle "Maijadh" mean?

♥Okay, so I recently changed my screen name on Facebook as Dhruba Maijadh Yonzon. "I actually don't have a middle name." Maijadh is my mother's name in our native language "Tamang". It means youngest love.

4. If you had a legit "god like" privilege, what would you change about yourself overnight?

♥hmmmm, Everything and Nothing! I, at some point in my life have hated myself, my body and everything about it. But I've also learned to love and adore it. I love myself. Me before you 😉 (P.s if you're into novels, you should read this. Me before you by jojo moyes)

Today I'm completely comfortable in my own skin and more than that I love my body and I love myself. Having said that, I've put on some tummy fat in the winter. Now, I have a rather bulging tummy. P.S It has also started to look and feel unhealthy. So, weeks of exercise or overnight miracle?  You've guessed it!!!

5. What classes do we have tomorrow?

♥ Dear Shreya Parajuli, since this post is for Wednesday. Tomorrow would be Thrusday. So, on thrusdays we have Legislative Principles, Procedural Law and Clinical Work. Just in case I have mailed you the whole weeks schedule.

6. What are the essential required for a writer to indulge there reader???

♥ To be completely honest. I'm trying to figure that out too. But I've received comment like "I love how your writing spoke to me. It felt like you were talking to me or sharing an incident like we were in person." So, I guess making your reader feel like there involved in the story in some way keeps them indulged. 

Thank you all for sending me your questions. Don't forget to hit the + button. Stay Blessed. Until next Wednesdays! Xoxo

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What will you do with the BOX?

Dear you,

So today I feel like we need to have "the talk "

Don't worry we are not breaking up! I just have a nagging voice in the back of my head and I need to let it out. So hear me as I go.

Few days before while my friends and I were having lunch, my friend pointed out that I being a right handed was eating with my left hand. Later that day my mother asked me if I had hurt my right hand while we were dinning. Another friend of mine came to me and with perplexed face she claimed that to have never noticed that i was left handed. Not just confusing queries but few of them even made sure that they gave me a piece of their mind how I should stop with the pretence.

Well, I am for sure not a left handed. Also, I do not label my self as right handed. For most purpose in my daily routine and for almost all the time I do use my right hand. But I do use my left hand for various purpose occasionally. That day I just woke up with an hyper active left hand. That's all to it.

Not just about my preference in using my hands, people have scrutinised me many times for many different reasons.

But I believe or so would like to believe that I have never let it affect me in any ways. We live in a society where everything we do is some ways predetermined. Since we were little people have kept us inside a box of their choice. But the idea of a box itself for me seems unfathomable. And later forced us to THINK outside of it. (See,  how they still want us to be inside of it.)

You see, I believe you are who you want to be. No one  esle can describe you or know you as well as you do. You do not need to constantly be inside a box and act accordingly. Neither need to always think outside the of it. Just remove the thought of this society created box and let yourself breathe. What I mean to say is, do not define yourself just be yourself.

Be mysterious. Be hilarious. Be dull or utterly boring. Be what you feel like. You need not hold yourself back for the fear of society because society in itself is made up of individuals like you and I who are scared; Scared of being themselves, fearing that the society will reject them. So be cliché as you like or  uber spontaneous. Then again if you're both be both, if neither don't. Like I said, do not "pre-define" yourself just be yourself and let it define you along the way.

I still remember, once I said that I loved winter's sun. My friend told me everyone loved winter's sun. I need not claim it exclusively. But then again, why would it affect my judgement about me loving winter's sun. Let everyone love it or everyone hate it. Few love it or vice versa. It really doesn't matter to me you see. What really matters is that I love winter's sun. And I if I want to say it out loud......you've guessed it. I WILL.

Now, you take care and stay blessed! Xoxo

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

The Blessed Unrest!

My life has been far from perfect but I have a whole lot of privileges. And one the hardest thing I've ever had to do is accept and acknowledge my privileges. Because you see, I have always drawn my life equivalent to the one's in the magazine. Because even though I'm privilege in many ways I have felt short in many other.

I always have a war on going inside of me. The inner indecisiveness that doesn't have a compass pointing due north. So, maybe everywhere I look I'm drawn to point out what I lack rather to what I already have. The inner me fighting every moment to better than itself moments ago. It cringes at 10 years old me. It cringes at  me of yesterday. It cringes at today's me. And most probably it will cringe at tomorrow's me. The Blessed Unrest!

I can taste my own blood wounded in a battle fought by me with me. The war never comes to an end. But then again how does one achieve victory over oneself?

We live in society where we are taught to be satisfied in what we have. But then again, we are taught to work our hardest to achieve what we lack. Such contradictions! And I, as a part of that society am no different to others. And I am constantly caught in a battle where I have decide whether to strive for more every waking hour or be happy in whatever I have.

Do I enjoy the moment and be content or keep my mind sharp and scarifice my today for a better tomorrow? But then again, who says I can not do both? There is no shame in wanting a better life for yourself. There is nothing wrong striving for perfection and at the same time being content in what we are at now.

So I guess that is what The Blessed Unrest means. I'm happy in where I am today. It's just that tomorrow I wouldn't be.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Choices and Mistakes!

We cannot ignore the fact that we have been prepared by almost everyone we have met in our life. And what have we been prepared or warned about? Mistakes, wrong choices, and heart breaks. Every other person I meet seems to have differing ideas or opinion about it. How to tackle them, how to dodge them or simply how to get through them? But to what extent do they truly help us?
Choices; we make hundreds of choices a day. From when to wake up in the morning to what time at night to hit the sack it is all choices. Some choices are guided and shaped by our traditions. We wake up, brush our teeth, wash our face, and have breakfast and so on. We need not stress the flowing gray matters inside our brains for it. They are simply instinct based. But some choices drain us, because every day is not the same. Though yesterday and today might seem the same, it is not. Today might be similar to yesterday, but it is definitely not the same. As the options you have today may be similar to the options you had yesterday but the choices you make today may be different and so would be the consequences that follow.
I do have an option just like yesterday to go to school or to bunk. I do have the same underlying options basically six days a week, except of course for holidays. I would be a fool of thinking of going to school on a holiday. So, I need not think much, just like yesterday I will be going to school today too. Then again, there are choices that change our lives forever.  One split second and you are a different person; you cannot go back to where you were a second ago. Those are the choices that shake our ground our very foundation. Those are the choices that everyone warns us about all our life.
We do not reach out to touch the burning flame even though it shimmers beautifully in the moon light. Because we have been told fire burns and we can feel its heat even from a safe distance. But one cannot deny one self’s curious nature. We all have at some point in our early years sat down in the secrecy of our dark room with a candle burning besides us. We have held our palms on the side of the candle and realized it’s not as hot as we have been warned of. We have mused at our new found invincibility and have been amazed with the way the flame dancing with the waves of gush created by our little hands. We have then slowly put our tiny hands directly above the flame just to feel the hopes of invincibility just starting to brew inside us dive deep down to where it came from faster than we could pull our hands away.
Some choices, as such, leave us with regrets.  Some are fruitful and some do not even matter much. But every choice we make, every mistake we make teaches us something. One experience is a greater lesson than hundreds of warnings. Like Benjamin Franklin had said, knowing is better than wondering, and waking is better than dreaming. Making choices and making mistakes beats the hell out of never trying. It’s just the way it is, isn’t it? Everyone tells us of the forbidden fruit, but the forbidden fruit tastes the most delicious of all. And so we tend to do what is not meant to be done. We make mistakes, a lot of it. Some graver than others, some leave us with a scar that never heals and some leave a tingling sense of bitterness when we reminisce about them. But that’s the only way to learn. And once we learn it, we try like hell to convince someone else not to go down that path, never realizing that we were told the same thing. That even though how much we convince them, they are bound to make the same mistakes. And sometimes, we too make the same mistake because some mistakes we make over and over, yet never learn. Or we simply ignore them!!!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015


We meet all sorts of people in our life. Some are plain flat and some other are too glossy. Then there are another kind of people we meet in our lifetime. The people who are iridescent. These are the people who change our life forever.

People, as I have come to know are like pieces of puzzle.  One cannot tell about who they are untill we link them with someone else. Alone, they are incomplete but once in the whole picture they show who they really are. Just like when we see someone alone walking the streets.  They quietly blend in the background. But seen with friends, they give life to the street with laughter and chitchat.

Here’s another thing about puzzle; we need to place right pieces together to form a bigger picture. Because we come in different shapes and sizes with an unclear vision, we need someone who when put together with us forms a clearer picture. Like the common friend between two entirely different people.  When all together,  they seem like they have been friends since their time in the womb.  But two left alone, it becomes akward with not much to say.

Like I said, people are like puzzle. Confusing

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Unconditional - with conditions?

In the most non – narcissistic way, I do love me. And I believe everyone does. Not love me, but love themselves.

But, as wonderful it sounds, loving oneself can be hard. As I look back to what I was, and compare it to what I have become or possibly what I might become, it scares me. And there are moments of infinite cringing when I try to recall myself of the distant past. I have hated myself for many reasons. For starters, I have hated myself for wearing my heart in my sleeves. I have endured far too many heart breaks because of it, which has led to me bleeding my heart out to the people who now seem indifferent to me, all the more reason to hate myself. Then there are the movies I have repeatedly watched too many times, novels I have read and reread too many times. Although I don’t particularly consider that I have wasted my time on those movies and novels because those movies have been the friends in dark times and I have found solace in the pages of the novels in the times of difficulty. But, I have hated myself for over doing it.

I have also hated myself for being clumsy and making mistakes repeatedly as a result of it. I’m in my late teens and my mom still thinks I have not learned how to walk properly. The walls, the door knobs, the staircases all seem to have loved me indefinitely eager to embrace me whenever they can. And the list goes on. No one truly knows about my flaws more than I do. And I have gazillions of them. I have been lucky enough to have few people who love me unconditionally, while some others have loved me with certain terms and conditions. Many have made several remarks and with each condescending word that has been uttered from those mouths I have hated myself more. I have stood in front of the mirror and despised myself. My flat Mongolian nose, my Oreo (slightly dusky) complexion, my feminine behavior, my sexual orientation, I have hated my entire self; inside out. But I have also loved myself when I have been praised. Staring at the same mirror I have adored myself.

And I have realized. How could have I expected unconditional love from others, when my love towards myself was conditional. So I have forgiven everyone who had once brought me heart breaks and have learned to be grateful to those who have simply loved and adored me in all those dark moments. I see now that loving oneself is the most important love of all. Because without loving oneself, we don’t hold the capacity to love others or for that matter let others love us. And besides that, loving oneself takes courage. Loving someone else is easy, disregarding all their flaws and still loving them unconditionally comes, more often than not, naturally. But living with those same flaws and still loving oneself is another cup of tea.  Deep down we all seem to have hated ourselves for our flaws for not being up to the standards of our own selves. Yes, we have set standards for ourselves, albeit the standards have been influenced by the surroundings and social settings we grow up in. We can pretend that we don’t have those but here’s a thing about lies, we can lie to everyone else but not to ourselves. Another thing about lies, despite the above statement, sometimes truth and reality hurts, so we lie to everyone, especially to ourselves.

Coming back to myself, I have chosen to love myself with all the flaws inherent in me. Because I have come to realize it’s just a choice after all. One does not fall in love, one chooses to love.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

A Major Identity Crisis?!?

So, where do I even begin?

From " Dhruba Yonzon -The Green Hearted Boy" to " Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy In The Red Muffler" I have had clogged many words as a part of my identity.

And it's not because I don't like my own name, I do. It's just that I want to be known more than just Dhruba Yonzon. I want to be known for something more then just my name. I believe everyone does. And that is how things work. We don't remember a person for the person themselves. We remember them with their peculiarities. Small things that defines them. Maybe something like their habits. The Girl Who Bites Ner Nails or The Boy Who walks funny. But we all have so much more potential than that. And the best part of it is we can be whoever we want to be.

And now as I look back I've realized I've been "Dhruba Yonzon - The boy with major identity crisis." And I do not want to be known as that. No, I do not like a bit of that.

"Buddha - The enlightened one." We all tend to remember him with this tag line. For more closure, we all have that one extremely funny friend in our friend circle. See, what I'm trying to portray is that we all reflect something out to the world,  something that is a part of us that are greater than our other parts. Something that we embrace inside of us.

And after bending the lights in every possible direction and walking not a mile but miles in shoes I thought would fit me, I have finally found something hanging on for. Maybe I will eventually get over it or maybe not. But for now I'm not taking this shoes off.

"Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy Who Writes". And as I sit at times to write something,  I think of what am I reflecting out to the world and I like it. HECK NO! I LOVE IT. My writings are not expectional. They will not change the world. They might not even change a life.

But then again, that's the whole point of it, you see. The important point is putting out what I want, what I love not what I think people expect of me. Because they say and I most definitely agree that one should be the leading actor of their own life. If we are the not the leading actors of our own life then who are we? What do we stand for?

So, look deep. Look hard. Who are you? What do you stand for? Are you happy with your answers? Are you happy with what you reflect.  Are you proud of your identity?

Friday, February 13, 2015

30 Unwritten Letters!

                                           And I write letters to you that you 'll never see!

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Caleb, I was kid who was filled with jealously and so were you.

Dear Philip, You were my best friend. And now I don't even know you.

Stewart! The scars you've left are long erased. But remember I was not even 10 back then.

Dear Steve and Marcus, please forgive me! I meant to skip grades not our friendship.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Nate, I'm sorry. You were so sweet to me but i was fighting with my insecurities.

Dear Brian, who still keeps all my letters and gifts. Please burn them. For I have burned your memories too.

Dear Sam, I'm sorry that you feel I screwed up your brother.

Dear Sam's brother Stan, I'm not really sorry. I'm just sorry your borther found out.

Dear Sam.... I never had feelings for you. Don't pretend,  I know you didn’t feel it too.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Ruth,  even if I were straight I wouldn't date you.

Dear Rebecca, I'm sorry I left you standing alone in the middle of the street.

Dear Polly, I was alone and drunk. And I thought you were too.

Dear Kate, I'm sorry you're boyfriend left you. But he never did love you.

Dear Renae, I thought I loved you.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Stranger whose name I forgot I'm sorry I ditched you in the middle of the first date. But I was looking for love not for sex.

Dear BRIAN.  BURN THOSE DAMN LETTERS ALREADY. I was a hopeless romantic back in school.

Dear Jack. You were my biggest mistake.

Dear Rob. I was your biggest mistake.

Dear Ross, I'm sorry. But you were married and I was way too young for you.

Dear Spencer. I hope you don't end up like Ross.

Adam And Shane... Karma's a bitch. Remember.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dearest Brendan. You were the sweetest of all but I'm sorry you left her for me but i couldn't leave him for you.

Dear Raymond, learn to love yourself.

Dear Derek, you were just another doctor not my McDreamy. And I'm truely sorry.

Dear Matthew who has the most beautiful pair of eyes I've ever seen. I'm sorry I stalked you. If I were you, I'd try to forget me too.

Dear Phoenix, Keep telling "that" to yourself.

Dear Kevin,  I hope your soul rests in peace.

Dear Stefan...I Still love you!


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Art Is Risk!

The world is changing and it's changing fast. But not fast enough for me. And I have got only two choices; either slow down my pace for it to catch up or move ahead without turning my back. I choose the later because I want to make my life an artwork.  And Art is Risk.


If it's about taking out my phone in the middle of the street to click a photo because I know it's going to turn out great. It's about doing just that.

If it's about screaming on top of my lungs to let out my emotions. It's about doing just that.

If it's about showing off my ass in tight fitted jeans because I know it's going to look cute. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking in 6 inch high leather boots because I know I can rock it. It's about doing just that.

If it's about colouring my hair in shades of blue because I really want to. It's about doing just that.

If it's about dancing anywhere anytime without any music or tune because it makes me feel happy. It’s about doing just that.

If it's about taking a day off from everything and curling up in my bed when I'm low. It's about doing just that.

If it's about wearing clothes I'm comfortable in rather than clothes that are in fashion. It's about doing just that.

If it's about speaking for what I truely believe in even though I'm all alone. It's about doing just that.

If it's about writing handwritten letters instead of texting someone because I feel it carries more value. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking right past my bullies without any fear because I know their opinions won't affect my confidence.  It's about doing just that.

If it's about never giving up hope and being an unicorn(highly optimistic). It’s about doing just that.

If it's about having a vision board to remind me that there is so much left to be done in this life. It's about doing just that.

If it's about having an obession over a hobby and taking it to a next level because I simply believe in myself. It's about doing just that.

Life is short. Spend it wise. Don't wait for things to happen. Make it happen. Art is risk and life is an art. Not living it like you want to is the biggest risk of all.


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

My Fears...

                     I fear a lot of things. One too many things to even begin with.

I fear anything that has more than four limbs. Spiders and cock roaches.
And things without any limbs. Snakes. And even things with four limbs.
I fear all insects. Excect perhaps butterfly, dragonfly and ants.
I think they're beautiful.

I do not have any fear of  the dark. But of what lies within that i can not see.
I've heard people say like "thing you're afraid of in the dark cannot see you either."
But I'm not willing to take any risk.

I fear heights and the feelings that I get standing on the top of something high.
That sudden urge to jump. Sometimes I do not trust myself.
I fear crossing roads. Once I've stood for 15 minutes on the other side before I actually took a step.
Only to take that step back.

I fear breaking the rules. I fear not being good enough.  I fear failures. I fear being the second best.
I fear writer's block. I fear one day, there might not be a tomorrow.
I fear little by little I'm loosing my essence. I fear little by little I'm loosing myself to depression.
I fear relationships. I fear a broken heart. I fear broken dreams and shattered hopes. I fear rejections.

I fear sheer amout of disbelief that people carry around me.
I fear that this water coloured world of mine  is slowly turning into the colour of tint.
I fear smiles turning to frowns. I fear ups turning to downs.
I fear my life has lost that spark. That it lacks that certain light.

I fear waking up with a dread, constant saddness by the days ahead.
I fear what i want and what I want to become.
I fear not being able to marry the person I love.
I fear not being able to start a family. (Oops! Sh*t got real deap)

But most of all. I fear that my fears will devour me.
That my obession of it will be the doom of me.
I fear not being fearless. I fear not living my life to it's fullest.
For I have so much to loose and so much to fear about,
I fear that one day I will not!!!


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Maybe Love Takes Time...

To all the hopeless romantics like myself...
Maybe love is thinking about me while I'm writing this. Maybe love doesn't even know that I exist. Maybe our paths have already crossed and I have failed to recognise love. Maybe love is the distance future waiting for me. Or maybe love is on date with someone else, oblivious to me. I don't know...

The cliché question that every hopeless romantic like me asks to oneself is "Do I believe in love at first sight?" 

I cannot answer on behalf of others but for me... Probably Not! But i do believe in the feeling that comes along when I see that someone. That "heart pounding in my throat" kind of feeling that happens when i see love. But you see, there's a reason I say I do not believe in love at first sight. It's because I believe love takes time...

But first, what is love?
Maybe love is the invisible hand that tickles my belly and paints my cheeks red. Or maybe that's not love at all. Maybe it's just attraction, the strong kind. Because you just love the idea of being in love with them. Let's face it, you do not know anything about them besides the fact that they are hot. LOVE is too strong to describe what you're feeling right now.

And slowly love becomes a part of your life. Love keeps you awake all night. Love keeps you hanging dearly to your cellphone and your facebook. To describe in simpler way, love wrecks your sleep and makes you suffer from anxiety. But it doesn't matter because you're happy and that is all that counts.

So time passes... and with each passing day you get hold of your disorders. And one day you wake up without those insecurities that makes you cling to your phone and your facebook. When you spend more time with them,  you get to know more about them and you soon discover a part of them you never realise that they had. Maybe some good surprises. Or maybe some major flaw. Slowly but precisely you know love for who love is...

And then one day you wake up and realise that you love the person for who they are with all those imperfections  because you realise their  imperfections makes them who they are.

And then, after a longer while you realise that you love them. LIKE REALLY LOVE THEM not just "baby love" them. And the anxiety is gone. But a new feeling of content is there to take it's place. (But those invisible hands still tickles your belly.)

You don't know how and when these feelings grew this strong. You just know it did. Like it was yesterday when love arrived but it feels like you have known them your whole life. That between now and then something has changed. That you have changed. And you love yourself and love him/her for making you love yourself.

And so I realise maybe LOVE doesn't happen overnight. That LOVE takes time to build up through all those conversation and time spent together. Just like how strong foundation is required to build a strong house. I realized LOVE, it takes time... and that we should let it.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Searching Happiness...

Everybody deserves happiness. Or at least a shot at it. Because everybody desperately wants to be happy. And me, I want happiness too. More than anything else…

We all want to live in a world where happiness is as easy as buying ice-cream. But it’s harder than that. Unlike math questions, the answer is not concrete

And for me sometimes, it’s not about being happy. It’s about not being able to be happy. Sometimes, I’m am just stuck and cannot move ahead. The things I once enjoyed don’t give me the same joy. It’s not that I don’t want to go outside and face the world it’s just that I cannot bring myself to. It’s like my body has given up on me; like something is dragging my body down.

 And most of all I’m tired of going through same conversation again and again. “What’s wrong with you?” And the worst part is that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going to make me feel happy again?

Outside every color is too bright. Inside I’m drowning. And in that moment I feel so trapped. (Can anyone dim those lights?) Like when I’m in the doctor’s room and she/he asks me where the pain is and I don’t know where it hurts. All I know is that it just does. And I just wonder what happened between now and then.

But I know this. I’m not a miracle worker and I can’t guarantee that I’m going to make all the pain go away. I cannot go back in time and explain what changed between now and then. And I cannot dim those lights but hey, I've got room where I can stay inside.

When the outside world gets too loud, I can shut those windows and silently whisper to myself. I can wait here until I’m ready. I can silently sit or go through things to clear my mind. I can practice make up on my own face and if I want to hit something I can hit the pillows but not my face because I just did my make-up. I can do whatever I want to. Or not. I've got books to read. All those cheesy movies to watch. Until I’m am ready to leave this room, I’m not going anywhere.

Because you see, I've tried to find happiness in someone else. All this time. And now I’m going to learn to be happy with myself. I’m going to learn what it is by loving myself. And till then, the outside world can move on, life can go on because if I’m not ready I AM NOT READY. One day, I will catch up  with the world or maybe even move ahead. But not now, not today!!!


Friday, January 16, 2015

To you...


They say the greatest gift we can give to our friends, to our family and to the community is to be ourselves, to be authentic, to walk our talk and to stand up for what we truly believe in. And you have, in my eyes truly demonstrated that.

I admire you not only for what you are but what I am when  I'm with you. I admire you not only for what you are becoming but for what you are making of me. I admire you for making what the world couldn't make out of me; good and more than any fate could do for me to make me happy. You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by simply being yourself.

So, I take this moment to thank you...

What I have  realized is that not everyone in this world can please us to our liking. And you cannot please everyone you meet in your life to their liking. We must choose wise. For they say every single person who cross our path teaches us something, we just have to be awaken enough to see it. Some leave us in the hands of sorrow; they show us that life is not always easy, that not everything lasts forever. On the other hand some give us hope; hope that happiness is always around the next corner and we shouldn't loose faith in people and in ourselves. But the most important lesson in life is to learn to love oneself and you have taught me that.

This, I will always keep in my heart. For I know life will not always be as easy and as happy. Such things are uncontrollable and inevitable. But this much I can say. I will always be by your side when you need me and also in times when you don't. I will not merely give you my time but will spend it with you. For you have always been there for me in times of my trouble and in times of my joy.

Know that whatever tomorrow may bring, you will always be in my whispered wishes and my silent prayers. Stay Blessed!!!


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Coffee For Two...


"Coffee for two, one for me and one for you."  He said handing the cup taking the seat next to her.

Reverie. Absentminded dreaming while awake.
She was holding on to those Reveries like a child holding on to his/her new toys. Stubbornly.

A year ago, on the very day of December the 3rd she was smiling, blushing and rolling on her bed sheets. For she had been proposed by the guy she had liked for months now. And now after a year from the day, she was standing outside a coffee shop saving herself from the rain.

"Here take it, you'll get cold" he had offered his leather jacket. She still remembered the smell of his cologne. She still missed that. That rich ocean scented aroma still lingered inside her.
The rain was not to stop at all. It showered down without any silver lining across the cloud. She checked her phone again,  the battery had died. She brushed her arms across her shoulders and tucked her dampened hair behind her ear. She looked at the door with open sign just left to her. Memories started flooding again.

The same coffee shop they went on dates. The same coffee shop she had not visited since the break up. She had not had coffee ever since for the matter. Withdrawn into her own self she was but broken. She had only liked him. A crush,  now crushed. She never had imagined that he would make a move. But when he did however unbelievable it was, she was incandescently happy.  Nothing compared to the feelings she felt at the moment. They were perfect or so she thought. The long night talks, the lingering stares into each other's eyes, the daily dose of happiness.

She was happy like a princess straight out of a fairy tale. Her first relationship. Things couldn't get better but it did when he called started calling her "my girl" in front of their friends. She was on seventh heaven. More smiling. More blushing and more rolling on the bed talking to him on the phone. He was magical; a dream come true. Perfect boyfriend material who was now her boyfriend. He was a school sweetheart and she the girl next door.

Remembering those days staring at the empty seat inside the coffee shop she didn't know what to feel. Happy for the memories or sad that it ended. But she felt confused, like she had when suddenly one day he broke up with her. She needed to move on, she knew for it had been months. But she could not get over why he changed suddenly. They were perfect, perfectly in love she thought.

For she was of 18 with her whole life in front of her. She needed to move on or at least be okay with the fact. And she thought sometimes things are so bad that it cannot go worst than at the moment and sometimes she thought it didn't.  Sometimes, oh sometimes she thought things actually do get better.

She fixed her hair and then went inside the cafe. She went straight to the counter and asked for "Coffee for two". After months she had not one but two cups of coffee and wondered why she even left coffee at the first place. The rain had stopped. She was hopping for a silver lining and now the sun was shinning through the scattered clouds. It was still damp and wet, still a lit bit hazy but she knew it was going to get better. She knew it in her heart. Even if it was not, she wasn't going to wait for it to get better.she was going to make it better she thought.  She paid her bill and walked out of the cafe. Smiling!