Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Maybe Love Takes Time...

To all the hopeless romantics like myself...
Maybe love is thinking about me while I'm writing this. Maybe love doesn't even know that I exist. Maybe our paths have already crossed and I have failed to recognise love. Maybe love is the distance future waiting for me. Or maybe love is on date with someone else, oblivious to me. I don't know...

The cliché question that every hopeless romantic like me asks to oneself is "Do I believe in love at first sight?" 

I cannot answer on behalf of others but for me... Probably Not! But i do believe in the feeling that comes along when I see that someone. That "heart pounding in my throat" kind of feeling that happens when i see love. But you see, there's a reason I say I do not believe in love at first sight. It's because I believe love takes time...

But first, what is love?
Maybe love is the invisible hand that tickles my belly and paints my cheeks red. Or maybe that's not love at all. Maybe it's just attraction, the strong kind. Because you just love the idea of being in love with them. Let's face it, you do not know anything about them besides the fact that they are hot. LOVE is too strong to describe what you're feeling right now.

And slowly love becomes a part of your life. Love keeps you awake all night. Love keeps you hanging dearly to your cellphone and your facebook. To describe in simpler way, love wrecks your sleep and makes you suffer from anxiety. But it doesn't matter because you're happy and that is all that counts.

So time passes... and with each passing day you get hold of your disorders. And one day you wake up without those insecurities that makes you cling to your phone and your facebook. When you spend more time with them,  you get to know more about them and you soon discover a part of them you never realise that they had. Maybe some good surprises. Or maybe some major flaw. Slowly but precisely you know love for who love is...

And then one day you wake up and realise that you love the person for who they are with all those imperfections  because you realise their  imperfections makes them who they are.

And then, after a longer while you realise that you love them. LIKE REALLY LOVE THEM not just "baby love" them. And the anxiety is gone. But a new feeling of content is there to take it's place. (But those invisible hands still tickles your belly.)

You don't know how and when these feelings grew this strong. You just know it did. Like it was yesterday when love arrived but it feels like you have known them your whole life. That between now and then something has changed. That you have changed. And you love yourself and love him/her for making you love yourself.

And so I realise maybe LOVE doesn't happen overnight. That LOVE takes time to build up through all those conversation and time spent together. Just like how strong foundation is required to build a strong house. I realized LOVE, it takes time... and that we should let it.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Searching Happiness...

Everybody deserves happiness. Or at least a shot at it. Because everybody desperately wants to be happy. And me, I want happiness too. More than anything else…

We all want to live in a world where happiness is as easy as buying ice-cream. But it’s harder than that. Unlike math questions, the answer is not concrete

And for me sometimes, it’s not about being happy. It’s about not being able to be happy. Sometimes, I’m am just stuck and cannot move ahead. The things I once enjoyed don’t give me the same joy. It’s not that I don’t want to go outside and face the world it’s just that I cannot bring myself to. It’s like my body has given up on me; like something is dragging my body down.

 And most of all I’m tired of going through same conversation again and again. “What’s wrong with you?” And the worst part is that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going to make me feel happy again?

Outside every color is too bright. Inside I’m drowning. And in that moment I feel so trapped. (Can anyone dim those lights?) Like when I’m in the doctor’s room and she/he asks me where the pain is and I don’t know where it hurts. All I know is that it just does. And I just wonder what happened between now and then.

But I know this. I’m not a miracle worker and I can’t guarantee that I’m going to make all the pain go away. I cannot go back in time and explain what changed between now and then. And I cannot dim those lights but hey, I've got room where I can stay inside.

When the outside world gets too loud, I can shut those windows and silently whisper to myself. I can wait here until I’m ready. I can silently sit or go through things to clear my mind. I can practice make up on my own face and if I want to hit something I can hit the pillows but not my face because I just did my make-up. I can do whatever I want to. Or not. I've got books to read. All those cheesy movies to watch. Until I’m am ready to leave this room, I’m not going anywhere.

Because you see, I've tried to find happiness in someone else. All this time. And now I’m going to learn to be happy with myself. I’m going to learn what it is by loving myself. And till then, the outside world can move on, life can go on because if I’m not ready I AM NOT READY. One day, I will catch up  with the world or maybe even move ahead. But not now, not today!!!


Friday, January 16, 2015

To you...


They say the greatest gift we can give to our friends, to our family and to the community is to be ourselves, to be authentic, to walk our talk and to stand up for what we truly believe in. And you have, in my eyes truly demonstrated that.

I admire you not only for what you are but what I am when  I'm with you. I admire you not only for what you are becoming but for what you are making of me. I admire you for making what the world couldn't make out of me; good and more than any fate could do for me to make me happy. You have done it without a touch, without a word, without a sign. You have done it by simply being yourself.

So, I take this moment to thank you...

What I have  realized is that not everyone in this world can please us to our liking. And you cannot please everyone you meet in your life to their liking. We must choose wise. For they say every single person who cross our path teaches us something, we just have to be awaken enough to see it. Some leave us in the hands of sorrow; they show us that life is not always easy, that not everything lasts forever. On the other hand some give us hope; hope that happiness is always around the next corner and we shouldn't loose faith in people and in ourselves. But the most important lesson in life is to learn to love oneself and you have taught me that.

This, I will always keep in my heart. For I know life will not always be as easy and as happy. Such things are uncontrollable and inevitable. But this much I can say. I will always be by your side when you need me and also in times when you don't. I will not merely give you my time but will spend it with you. For you have always been there for me in times of my trouble and in times of my joy.

Know that whatever tomorrow may bring, you will always be in my whispered wishes and my silent prayers. Stay Blessed!!!


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Coffee For Two...


"Coffee for two, one for me and one for you."  He said handing the cup taking the seat next to her.

Reverie. Absentminded dreaming while awake.
She was holding on to those Reveries like a child holding on to his/her new toys. Stubbornly.

A year ago, on the very day of December the 3rd she was smiling, blushing and rolling on her bed sheets. For she had been proposed by the guy she had liked for months now. And now after a year from the day, she was standing outside a coffee shop saving herself from the rain.

"Here take it, you'll get cold" he had offered his leather jacket. She still remembered the smell of his cologne. She still missed that. That rich ocean scented aroma still lingered inside her.
The rain was not to stop at all. It showered down without any silver lining across the cloud. She checked her phone again,  the battery had died. She brushed her arms across her shoulders and tucked her dampened hair behind her ear. She looked at the door with open sign just left to her. Memories started flooding again.

The same coffee shop they went on dates. The same coffee shop she had not visited since the break up. She had not had coffee ever since for the matter. Withdrawn into her own self she was but broken. She had only liked him. A crush,  now crushed. She never had imagined that he would make a move. But when he did however unbelievable it was, she was incandescently happy.  Nothing compared to the feelings she felt at the moment. They were perfect or so she thought. The long night talks, the lingering stares into each other's eyes, the daily dose of happiness.

She was happy like a princess straight out of a fairy tale. Her first relationship. Things couldn't get better but it did when he called started calling her "my girl" in front of their friends. She was on seventh heaven. More smiling. More blushing and more rolling on the bed talking to him on the phone. He was magical; a dream come true. Perfect boyfriend material who was now her boyfriend. He was a school sweetheart and she the girl next door.

Remembering those days staring at the empty seat inside the coffee shop she didn't know what to feel. Happy for the memories or sad that it ended. But she felt confused, like she had when suddenly one day he broke up with her. She needed to move on, she knew for it had been months. But she could not get over why he changed suddenly. They were perfect, perfectly in love she thought.

For she was of 18 with her whole life in front of her. She needed to move on or at least be okay with the fact. And she thought sometimes things are so bad that it cannot go worst than at the moment and sometimes she thought it didn't.  Sometimes, oh sometimes she thought things actually do get better.

She fixed her hair and then went inside the cafe. She went straight to the counter and asked for "Coffee for two". After months she had not one but two cups of coffee and wondered why she even left coffee at the first place. The rain had stopped. She was hopping for a silver lining and now the sun was shinning through the scattered clouds. It was still damp and wet, still a lit bit hazy but she knew it was going to get better. She knew it in her heart. Even if it was not, she wasn't going to wait for it to get better.she was going to make it better she thought.  She paid her bill and walked out of the cafe. Smiling!