Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Unconditional - with conditions?

In the most non – narcissistic way, I do love me. And I believe everyone does. Not love me, but love themselves.

But, as wonderful it sounds, loving oneself can be hard. As I look back to what I was, and compare it to what I have become or possibly what I might become, it scares me. And there are moments of infinite cringing when I try to recall myself of the distant past. I have hated myself for many reasons. For starters, I have hated myself for wearing my heart in my sleeves. I have endured far too many heart breaks because of it, which has led to me bleeding my heart out to the people who now seem indifferent to me, all the more reason to hate myself. Then there are the movies I have repeatedly watched too many times, novels I have read and reread too many times. Although I don’t particularly consider that I have wasted my time on those movies and novels because those movies have been the friends in dark times and I have found solace in the pages of the novels in the times of difficulty. But, I have hated myself for over doing it.

I have also hated myself for being clumsy and making mistakes repeatedly as a result of it. I’m in my late teens and my mom still thinks I have not learned how to walk properly. The walls, the door knobs, the staircases all seem to have loved me indefinitely eager to embrace me whenever they can. And the list goes on. No one truly knows about my flaws more than I do. And I have gazillions of them. I have been lucky enough to have few people who love me unconditionally, while some others have loved me with certain terms and conditions. Many have made several remarks and with each condescending word that has been uttered from those mouths I have hated myself more. I have stood in front of the mirror and despised myself. My flat Mongolian nose, my Oreo (slightly dusky) complexion, my feminine behavior, my sexual orientation, I have hated my entire self; inside out. But I have also loved myself when I have been praised. Staring at the same mirror I have adored myself.

And I have realized. How could have I expected unconditional love from others, when my love towards myself was conditional. So I have forgiven everyone who had once brought me heart breaks and have learned to be grateful to those who have simply loved and adored me in all those dark moments. I see now that loving oneself is the most important love of all. Because without loving oneself, we don’t hold the capacity to love others or for that matter let others love us. And besides that, loving oneself takes courage. Loving someone else is easy, disregarding all their flaws and still loving them unconditionally comes, more often than not, naturally. But living with those same flaws and still loving oneself is another cup of tea.  Deep down we all seem to have hated ourselves for our flaws for not being up to the standards of our own selves. Yes, we have set standards for ourselves, albeit the standards have been influenced by the surroundings and social settings we grow up in. We can pretend that we don’t have those but here’s a thing about lies, we can lie to everyone else but not to ourselves. Another thing about lies, despite the above statement, sometimes truth and reality hurts, so we lie to everyone, especially to ourselves.

Coming back to myself, I have chosen to love myself with all the flaws inherent in me. Because I have come to realize it’s just a choice after all. One does not fall in love, one chooses to love.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

A Major Identity Crisis?!?

So, where do I even begin?

From " Dhruba Yonzon -The Green Hearted Boy" to " Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy In The Red Muffler" I have had clogged many words as a part of my identity.

And it's not because I don't like my own name, I do. It's just that I want to be known more than just Dhruba Yonzon. I want to be known for something more then just my name. I believe everyone does. And that is how things work. We don't remember a person for the person themselves. We remember them with their peculiarities. Small things that defines them. Maybe something like their habits. The Girl Who Bites Ner Nails or The Boy Who walks funny. But we all have so much more potential than that. And the best part of it is we can be whoever we want to be.

And now as I look back I've realized I've been "Dhruba Yonzon - The boy with major identity crisis." And I do not want to be known as that. No, I do not like a bit of that.

"Buddha - The enlightened one." We all tend to remember him with this tag line. For more closure, we all have that one extremely funny friend in our friend circle. See, what I'm trying to portray is that we all reflect something out to the world,  something that is a part of us that are greater than our other parts. Something that we embrace inside of us.

And after bending the lights in every possible direction and walking not a mile but miles in shoes I thought would fit me, I have finally found something hanging on for. Maybe I will eventually get over it or maybe not. But for now I'm not taking this shoes off.

"Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy Who Writes". And as I sit at times to write something,  I think of what am I reflecting out to the world and I like it. HECK NO! I LOVE IT. My writings are not expectional. They will not change the world. They might not even change a life.

But then again, that's the whole point of it, you see. The important point is putting out what I want, what I love not what I think people expect of me. Because they say and I most definitely agree that one should be the leading actor of their own life. If we are the not the leading actors of our own life then who are we? What do we stand for?

So, look deep. Look hard. Who are you? What do you stand for? Are you happy with your answers? Are you happy with what you reflect.  Are you proud of your identity?

Friday, February 13, 2015

30 Unwritten Letters!

                                           And I write letters to you that you 'll never see!

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Caleb, I was kid who was filled with jealously and so were you.

Dear Philip, You were my best friend. And now I don't even know you.

Stewart! The scars you've left are long erased. But remember I was not even 10 back then.

Dear Steve and Marcus, please forgive me! I meant to skip grades not our friendship.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Nate, I'm sorry. You were so sweet to me but i was fighting with my insecurities.

Dear Brian, who still keeps all my letters and gifts. Please burn them. For I have burned your memories too.

Dear Sam, I'm sorry that you feel I screwed up your brother.

Dear Sam's brother Stan, I'm not really sorry. I'm just sorry your borther found out.

Dear Sam.... I never had feelings for you. Don't pretend,  I know you didn’t feel it too.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Ruth,  even if I were straight I wouldn't date you.

Dear Rebecca, I'm sorry I left you standing alone in the middle of the street.

Dear Polly, I was alone and drunk. And I thought you were too.

Dear Kate, I'm sorry you're boyfriend left you. But he never did love you.

Dear Renae, I thought I loved you.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Stranger whose name I forgot I'm sorry I ditched you in the middle of the first date. But I was looking for love not for sex.

Dear BRIAN.  BURN THOSE DAMN LETTERS ALREADY. I was a hopeless romantic back in school.

Dear Jack. You were my biggest mistake.

Dear Rob. I was your biggest mistake.

Dear Ross, I'm sorry. But you were married and I was way too young for you.

Dear Spencer. I hope you don't end up like Ross.

Adam And Shane... Karma's a bitch. Remember.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dearest Brendan. You were the sweetest of all but I'm sorry you left her for me but i couldn't leave him for you.

Dear Raymond, learn to love yourself.

Dear Derek, you were just another doctor not my McDreamy. And I'm truely sorry.

Dear Matthew who has the most beautiful pair of eyes I've ever seen. I'm sorry I stalked you. If I were you, I'd try to forget me too.

Dear Phoenix, Keep telling "that" to yourself.

Dear Kevin,  I hope your soul rests in peace.

Dear Stefan...I Still love you!


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Art Is Risk!

The world is changing and it's changing fast. But not fast enough for me. And I have got only two choices; either slow down my pace for it to catch up or move ahead without turning my back. I choose the later because I want to make my life an artwork.  And Art is Risk.


If it's about taking out my phone in the middle of the street to click a photo because I know it's going to turn out great. It's about doing just that.

If it's about screaming on top of my lungs to let out my emotions. It's about doing just that.

If it's about showing off my ass in tight fitted jeans because I know it's going to look cute. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking in 6 inch high leather boots because I know I can rock it. It's about doing just that.

If it's about colouring my hair in shades of blue because I really want to. It's about doing just that.

If it's about dancing anywhere anytime without any music or tune because it makes me feel happy. It’s about doing just that.

If it's about taking a day off from everything and curling up in my bed when I'm low. It's about doing just that.

If it's about wearing clothes I'm comfortable in rather than clothes that are in fashion. It's about doing just that.

If it's about speaking for what I truely believe in even though I'm all alone. It's about doing just that.

If it's about writing handwritten letters instead of texting someone because I feel it carries more value. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking right past my bullies without any fear because I know their opinions won't affect my confidence.  It's about doing just that.

If it's about never giving up hope and being an unicorn(highly optimistic). It’s about doing just that.

If it's about having a vision board to remind me that there is so much left to be done in this life. It's about doing just that.

If it's about having an obession over a hobby and taking it to a next level because I simply believe in myself. It's about doing just that.

Life is short. Spend it wise. Don't wait for things to happen. Make it happen. Art is risk and life is an art. Not living it like you want to is the biggest risk of all.


Tuesday, February 3, 2015

My Fears...

                     I fear a lot of things. One too many things to even begin with.

I fear anything that has more than four limbs. Spiders and cock roaches.
And things without any limbs. Snakes. And even things with four limbs.
I fear all insects. Excect perhaps butterfly, dragonfly and ants.
I think they're beautiful.

I do not have any fear of  the dark. But of what lies within that i can not see.
I've heard people say like "thing you're afraid of in the dark cannot see you either."
But I'm not willing to take any risk.

I fear heights and the feelings that I get standing on the top of something high.
That sudden urge to jump. Sometimes I do not trust myself.
I fear crossing roads. Once I've stood for 15 minutes on the other side before I actually took a step.
Only to take that step back.

I fear breaking the rules. I fear not being good enough.  I fear failures. I fear being the second best.
I fear writer's block. I fear one day, there might not be a tomorrow.
I fear little by little I'm loosing my essence. I fear little by little I'm loosing myself to depression.
I fear relationships. I fear a broken heart. I fear broken dreams and shattered hopes. I fear rejections.

I fear sheer amout of disbelief that people carry around me.
I fear that this water coloured world of mine  is slowly turning into the colour of tint.
I fear smiles turning to frowns. I fear ups turning to downs.
I fear my life has lost that spark. That it lacks that certain light.

I fear waking up with a dread, constant saddness by the days ahead.
I fear what i want and what I want to become.
I fear not being able to marry the person I love.
I fear not being able to start a family. (Oops! Sh*t got real deap)

But most of all. I fear that my fears will devour me.
That my obession of it will be the doom of me.
I fear not being fearless. I fear not living my life to it's fullest.
For I have so much to loose and so much to fear about,
I fear that one day I will not!!!