Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Searching Happiness...

Everybody deserves happiness. Or at least a shot at it. Because everybody desperately wants to be happy. And me, I want happiness too. More than anything else…

We all want to live in a world where happiness is as easy as buying ice-cream. But it’s harder than that. Unlike math questions, the answer is not concrete

And for me sometimes, it’s not about being happy. It’s about not being able to be happy. Sometimes, I’m am just stuck and cannot move ahead. The things I once enjoyed don’t give me the same joy. It’s not that I don’t want to go outside and face the world it’s just that I cannot bring myself to. It’s like my body has given up on me; like something is dragging my body down.

 And most of all I’m tired of going through same conversation again and again. “What’s wrong with you?” And the worst part is that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going to make me feel happy again?

Outside every color is too bright. Inside I’m drowning. And in that moment I feel so trapped. (Can anyone dim those lights?) Like when I’m in the doctor’s room and she/he asks me where the pain is and I don’t know where it hurts. All I know is that it just does. And I just wonder what happened between now and then.

But I know this. I’m not a miracle worker and I can’t guarantee that I’m going to make all the pain go away. I cannot go back in time and explain what changed between now and then. And I cannot dim those lights but hey, I've got room where I can stay inside.

When the outside world gets too loud, I can shut those windows and silently whisper to myself. I can wait here until I’m ready. I can silently sit or go through things to clear my mind. I can practice make up on my own face and if I want to hit something I can hit the pillows but not my face because I just did my make-up. I can do whatever I want to. Or not. I've got books to read. All those cheesy movies to watch. Until I’m am ready to leave this room, I’m not going anywhere.

Because you see, I've tried to find happiness in someone else. All this time. And now I’m going to learn to be happy with myself. I’m going to learn what it is by loving myself. And till then, the outside world can move on, life can go on because if I’m not ready I AM NOT READY. One day, I will catch up  with the world or maybe even move ahead. But not now, not today!!!


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