Art Is Risk!

The world is changing and it's changing fast. But not fast enough for me. And I have got only two choices; either slow down my pace for it to catch up or move ahead without turning my back. I choose the later because I want to make my life an artwork.  And Art is Risk.

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If it's about taking out my phone in the middle of the street to click a photo because I know it's going to turn out great. It's about doing just that.

If it's about screaming on top of my lungs to let out my emotions. It's about doing just that.

If it's about showing off my ass in tight fitted jeans because I know it's going to look cute. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking in 6 inch high leather boots because I know I can rock it. It's about doing just that.

If it's about colouring my hair in shades of blue because I really want to. It's about doing just that.

If it's about dancing anywhere anytime without any music or tune because it makes me feel happy. It’s about doing just that.

If it's about taking a day off from everything and curling up in my bed when I'm low. It's about doing just that.

If it's about wearing clothes I'm comfortable in rather than clothes that are in fashion. It's about doing just that.

If it's about speaking for what I truely believe in even though I'm all alone. It's about doing just that.

If it's about writing handwritten letters instead of texting someone because I feel it carries more value. It's about doing just that.

If it's about walking right past my bullies without any fear because I know their opinions won't affect my confidence.  It's about doing just that.

If it's about never giving up hope and being an unicorn(highly optimistic). It’s about doing just that.

If it's about having a vision board to remind me that there is so much left to be done in this life. It's about doing just that.

If it's about having an obession over a hobby and taking it to a next level because I simply believe in myself. It's about doing just that.

Life is short. Spend it wise. Don't wait for things to happen. Make it happen. Art is risk and life is an art. Not living it like you want to is the biggest risk of all.

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Maybe Love Takes Time...

To all the hopeless romantics like myself...
                                                     
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Maybe love is thinking about me while I'm writing this. Maybe love doesn't even know that I exist. Maybe our paths have already crossed and I have failed to recognise love. Maybe love is the distance future waiting for me. Or maybe love is on date with someone else, oblivious to me. I don't know...

The cliché question that every hopeless romantic like me asks to oneself is "Do I believe in love at first sight?" 

I cannot answer on behalf of others but for me... Probably Not! But i do believe in the feeling that comes along when I see that someone. That "heart pounding in my throat" kind of feeling that happens when i see love. But you see, there's a reason I say I do not believe in love at first sight. It's because I believe love takes time...

But first, what is love?
Maybe love is the invisible hand that tickles my belly and paints my cheeks red. Or maybe that's not love at all. Maybe it's just attraction, the strong kind. Because you just love the idea of being in love with them. Let's face it, you do not know anything about them besides the fact that they are hot. LOVE is too strong to describe what you're feeling right now.

And slowly love becomes a part of your life. Love keeps you awake all night. Love keeps you hanging dearly to your cellphone and your facebook. To describe in simpler way, love wrecks your sleep and makes you suffer from anxiety. But it doesn't matter because you're happy and that is all that counts.

So time passes... and with each passing day you get hold of your disorders. And one day you wake up without those insecurities that makes you cling to your phone and your facebook. When you spend more time with them,  you get to know more about them and you soon discover a part of them you never realise that they had. Maybe some good surprises. Or maybe some major flaw. Slowly but precisely you know love for who love is...

And then one day you wake up and realise that you love the person for who they are with all those imperfections  because you realise their  imperfections makes them who they are.

And then, after a longer while you realise that you love them. LIKE REALLY LOVE THEM not just "baby love" them. And the anxiety is gone. But a new feeling of content is there to take it's place. (But those invisible hands still tickles your belly.)

You don't know how and when these feelings grew this strong. You just know it did. Like it was yesterday when love arrived but it feels like you have known them your whole life. That between now and then something has changed. That you have changed. And you love yourself and love him/her for making you love yourself.

And so I realise maybe LOVE doesn't happen overnight. That LOVE takes time to build up through all those conversation and time spent together. Just like how strong foundation is required to build a strong house. I realized LOVE, it takes time... and that we should let it.

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Searching Happiness...

…

Everybody deserves happiness. Or at least a shot at it. Because everybody desperately wants to be happy. And me, I want happiness too. More than anything else…

We all want to live in a world where happiness is as easy as buying ice-cream. But it’s harder than that. Unlike math questions, the answer is not concrete. 

And for me sometimes, it’s not about being happy. It’s about not being able to be happy. Sometimes, I’m am just stuck and cannot move ahead. The things I once enjoyed don’t give me the same joy. It’s not that I don’t want to go outside and face the world it’s just that I cannot bring myself to. It’s like my body has given up on me; like something is dragging my body down.

 And most of all I’m tired of going through same conversation again and again. “What’s wrong with you?” And the worst part is that I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s going to make me feel happy again?

Outside every color is too bright. Inside I’m drowning. And in that moment I feel so trapped. (Can anyone dim those lights?) Like when I’m in the doctor’s room and she/he asks me where the pain is and I don’t know where it hurts. All I know is that it just does. And I just wonder what happened between now and then.

But I know this. I’m not a miracle worker and I can’t guarantee that I’m going to make all the pain go away. I cannot go back in time and explain what changed between now and then. And I cannot dim those lights but hey, I've got room where I can stay inside.

When the outside world gets too loud, I can shut those windows and silently whisper to myself. I can wait here until I’m ready. I can silently sit or go through things to clear my mind. I can practice make up on my own face and if I want to hit something I can hit the pillows but not my face because I just did my make-up. I can do whatever I want to. Or not. I've got books to read. All those cheesy movies to watch. Until I’m am ready to leave this room, I’m not going anywhere.

Because you see, I've tried to find happiness in someone else. All this time. And now I’m going to learn to be happy with myself. I’m going to learn what it is by loving myself. And till then, the outside world can move on, life can go on because if I’m not ready I AM NOT READY. One day, I will catch up  with the world or maybe even move ahead. But not now, not today!!!

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