What will you do with the BOX?

Dear you,

So today I feel like we need to have "the talk "

Don't worry we are not breaking up! I just have a nagging voice in the back of my head and I need to let it out. So hear me as I go.

Few days before while my friends and I were having lunch, my friend pointed out that I being a right handed was eating with my left hand. Later that day my mother asked me if I had hurt my right hand while we were dinning. Another friend of mine came to me and with perplexed face she claimed that to have never noticed that i was left handed. Not just confusing queries but few of them even made sure that they gave me a piece of their mind how I should stop with the pretence.

Well, I am for sure not a left handed. Also, I do not label my self as right handed. For most purpose in my daily routine and for almost all the time I do use my right hand. But I do use my left hand for various purpose occasionally. That day I just woke up with an hyper active left hand. That's all to it.

Not just about my preference in using my hands, people have scrutinised me many times for many different reasons.

But I believe or so would like to believe that I have never let it affect me in any ways. We live in a society where everything we do is some ways predetermined. Since we were little people have kept us inside a box of their choice. But the idea of a box itself for me seems unfathomable. And later forced us to THINK outside of it. (See,  how they still want us to be inside of it.)

You see, I believe you are who you want to be. No one  esle can describe you or know you as well as you do. You do not need to constantly be inside a box and act accordingly. Neither need to always think outside the of it. Just remove the thought of this society created box and let yourself breathe. What I mean to say is, do not define yourself just be yourself.

Be mysterious. Be hilarious. Be dull or utterly boring. Be what you feel like. You need not hold yourself back for the fear of society because society in itself is made up of individuals like you and I who are scared; Scared of being themselves, fearing that the society will reject them. So be cliché as you like or  uber spontaneous. Then again if you're both be both, if neither don't. Like I said, do not "pre-define" yourself just be yourself and let it define you along the way.

I still remember, once I said that I loved winter's sun. My friend told me everyone loved winter's sun. I need not claim it exclusively. But then again, why would it affect my judgement about me loving winter's sun. Let everyone love it or everyone hate it. Few love it or vice versa. It really doesn't matter to me you see. What really matters is that I love winter's sun. And I if I want to say it out loud......you've guessed it. I WILL.

Now, you take care and stay blessed! Xoxo

The Blessed Unrest!

My life has been far from perfect but I have a whole lot of privileges. And one the hardest thing I've ever had to do is accept and acknowledge my privileges. Because you see, I have always drawn my life equivalent to the one's in the magazine. Because even though I'm privilege in many ways I have felt short in many other.

I always have a war on going inside of me. The inner indecisiveness that doesn't have a compass pointing due north. So, maybe everywhere I look I'm drawn to point out what I lack rather to what I already have. The inner me fighting every moment to better than itself moments ago. It cringes at 10 years old me. It cringes at  me of yesterday. It cringes at today's me. And most probably it will cringe at tomorrow's me. The Blessed Unrest!

I can taste my own blood wounded in a battle fought by me with me. The war never comes to an end. But then again how does one achieve victory over oneself?

We live in society where we are taught to be satisfied in what we have. But then again, we are taught to work our hardest to achieve what we lack. Such contradictions! And I, as a part of that society am no different to others. And I am constantly caught in a battle where I have decide whether to strive for more every waking hour or be happy in whatever I have.

Do I enjoy the moment and be content or keep my mind sharp and scarifice my today for a better tomorrow? But then again, who says I can not do both? There is no shame in wanting a better life for yourself. There is nothing wrong striving for perfection and at the same time being content in what we are at now.

So I guess that is what The Blessed Unrest means. I'm happy in where I am today. It's just that tomorrow I wouldn't be.

Choices and Mistakes!

We cannot ignore the fact that we have been prepared by almost everyone we have met in our life. And what have we been prepared or warned about? Mistakes, wrong choices, and heart breaks. Every other person I meet seems to have differing ideas or opinion about it. How to tackle them, how to dodge them or simply how to get through them? But to what extent do they truly help us?

Choices; we make hundreds of choices a day. From when to wake up in the morning to what time at night to hit the sack it is all choices. Some choices are guided and shaped by our traditions. We wake up, brush our teeth, wash our face, and have breakfast and so on. We need not stress the flowing gray matters inside our brains for it. They are simply instinct based. But some choices drain us, because every day is not the same. Though yesterday and today might seem the same, it is not. Today might be similar to yesterday, but it is definitely not the same. As the options you have today may be similar to the options you had yesterday but the choices you make today may be different and so would be the consequences that follow.

I do have an option just like yesterday to go to school or to bunk. I do have the same underlying options basically six days a week, except of course for holidays. I would be a fool of thinking of going to school on a holiday. So, I need not think much, just like yesterday I will be going to school today too. Then again, there are choices that change our lives forever.  One split second and you are a different person; you cannot go back to where you were a second ago. Those are the choices that shake our ground our very foundation. Those are the choices that everyone warns us about all our life.

We do not reach out to touch the burning flame even though it shimmers beautifully in the moon light. Because we have been told fire burns and we can feel its heat even from a safe distance. But one cannot deny one self’s curious nature. We all have at some point in our early years sat down in the secrecy of our dark room with a candle burning besides us. We have held our palms on the side of the candle and realized it’s not as hot as we have been warned of. We have mused at our new found invincibility and have been amazed with the way the flame dancing with the waves of gush created by our little hands. We have then slowly put our tiny hands directly above the flame just to feel the hopes of invincibility just starting to brew inside us dive deep down to where it came from faster than we could pull our hands away.

Some choices, as such, leave us with regrets.  Some are fruitful and some do not even matter much. But every choice we make, every mistake we make teaches us something. One experience is a greater lesson than hundreds of warnings. Like Benjamin Franklin had said, knowing is better than wondering, and waking is better than dreaming. Making choices and making mistakes beats the hell out of never trying. It’s just the way it is, isn’t it? Everyone tells us of the forbidden fruit, but the forbidden fruit tastes the most delicious of all. And so we tend to do what is not meant to be done. We make mistakes, a lot of it. Some graver than others, some leave us with a scar that never heals and some leave a tingling sense of bitterness when we reminisce about them. But that’s the only way to learn. And once we learn it, we try like hell to convince someone else not to go down that path, never realizing that we were told the same thing. That even though how much we convince them, they are bound to make the same mistakes. And sometimes, we too make the same mistake because some mistakes we make over and over, yet never learn. Or we simply ignore them!!!

People!

We meet all sorts of people in our life. Some are plain flat and some other are too glossy. Then there are another kind of people we meet in our lifetime. The people who are iridescent. These are the people who change our life forever.

People, as I have come to know are like pieces of puzzle.  One cannot tell about who they are untill we link them with someone else. Alone, they are incomplete but once in the whole picture they show who they really are. Just like when we see someone alone walking the streets.  They quietly blend in the background. But seen with friends, they give life to the street with laughter and chitchat.

Here’s another thing about puzzle; we need to place right pieces together to form a bigger picture. Because we come in different shapes and sizes with an unclear vision, we need someone who when put together with us forms a clearer picture. Like the common friend between two entirely different people.  When all together,  they seem like they have been friends since their time in the womb.  But two left alone, it becomes akward with not much to say.

Like I said, people are like puzzle. Confusing

Unconditional - with conditions?

In the most non – narcissistic way, I do love me. And I believe everyone does. Not love me, but love themselves.

But, as wonderful it sounds, loving oneself can be hard. As I look back to what I was, and compare it to what I have become or possibly what I might become, it scares me. And there are moments of infinite cringing when I try to recall myself of the distant past. I have hated myself for many reasons. For starters, I have hated myself for wearing my heart in my sleeves. I have endured far too many heart breaks because of it, which has led to me bleeding my heart out to the people who now seem indifferent to me, all the more reason to hate myself. Then there are the movies I have repeatedly watched too many times, novels I have read and reread too many times. Although I don’t particularly consider that I have wasted my time on those movies and novels because those movies have been the friends in dark times and I have found solace in the pages of the novels in the times of difficulty. But, I have hated myself for over doing it.

I have also hated myself for being clumsy and making mistakes repeatedly as a result of it. I’m in my late teens and my mom still thinks I have not learned how to walk properly. The walls, the door knobs, the staircases all seem to have loved me indefinitely eager to embrace me whenever they can. And the list goes on. No one truly knows about my flaws more than I do. And I have gazillions of them. I have been lucky enough to have few people who love me unconditionally, while some others have loved me with certain terms and conditions. Many have made several remarks and with each condescending word that has been uttered from those mouths I have hated myself more. I have stood in front of the mirror and despised myself. My flat Mongolian nose, my Oreo (slightly dusky) complexion, my feminine behavior, my sexual orientation, I have hated my entire self; inside out. But I have also loved myself when I have been praised. Staring at the same mirror I have adored myself.

And I have realized. How could have I expected unconditional love from others, when my love towards myself was conditional. So I have forgiven everyone who had once brought me heart breaks and have learned to be grateful to those who have simply loved and adored me in all those dark moments. I see now that loving oneself is the most important love of all. Because without loving oneself, we don’t hold the capacity to love others or for that matter let others love us. And besides that, loving oneself takes courage. Loving someone else is easy, disregarding all their flaws and still loving them unconditionally comes, more often than not, naturally. But living with those same flaws and still loving oneself is another cup of tea.  Deep down we all seem to have hated ourselves for our flaws for not being up to the standards of our own selves. Yes, we have set standards for ourselves, albeit the standards have been influenced by the surroundings and social settings we grow up in. We can pretend that we don’t have those but here’s a thing about lies, we can lie to everyone else but not to ourselves. Another thing about lies, despite the above statement, sometimes truth and reality hurts, so we lie to everyone, especially to ourselves.

Coming back to myself, I have chosen to love myself with all the flaws inherent in me. Because I have come to realize it’s just a choice after all. One does not fall in love, one chooses to love.

A Major Identity Crisis?!?

So, where do I even begin?

From " Dhruba Yonzon -The Green Hearted Boy" to " Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy In The Red Muffler" I have had clogged many words as a part of my identity.

And it's not because I don't like my own name, I do. It's just that I want to be known more than just Dhruba Yonzon. I want to be known for something more then just my name. I believe everyone does. And that is how things work. We don't remember a person for the person themselves. We remember them with their peculiarities. Small things that defines them. Maybe something like their habits. The Girl Who Bites Ner Nails or The Boy Who walks funny. But we all have so much more potential than that. And the best part of it is we can be whoever we want to be.

And now as I look back I've realized I've been "Dhruba Yonzon - The boy with major identity crisis." And I do not want to be known as that. No, I do not like a bit of that.

"Buddha - The enlightened one." We all tend to remember him with this tag line. For more closure, we all have that one extremely funny friend in our friend circle. See, what I'm trying to portray is that we all reflect something out to the world,  something that is a part of us that are greater than our other parts. Something that we embrace inside of us.

And after bending the lights in every possible direction and walking not a mile but miles in shoes I thought would fit me, I have finally found something hanging on for. Maybe I will eventually get over it or maybe not. But for now I'm not taking this shoes off.

"Dhruba Yonzon - The Boy Who Writes". And as I sit at times to write something,  I think of what am I reflecting out to the world and I like it. HECK NO! I LOVE IT. My writings are not expectional. They will not change the world. They might not even change a life.

But then again, that's the whole point of it, you see. The important point is putting out what I want, what I love not what I think people expect of me. Because they say and I most definitely agree that one should be the leading actor of their own life. If we are the not the leading actors of our own life then who are we? What do we stand for?

So, look deep. Look hard. Who are you? What do you stand for? Are you happy with your answers? Are you happy with what you reflect.  Are you proud of your identity?

30 Unwritten Letters!

                                           And I write letters to you that you 'll never see!
                                                  
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Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Caleb, I was kid who was filled with jealously and so were you.

Dear Philip, You were my best friend. And now I don't even know you.

Stewart! The scars you've left are long erased. But remember I was not even 10 back then.

Dear Steve and Marcus, please forgive me! I meant to skip grades not our friendship.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Nate, I'm sorry. You were so sweet to me but i was fighting with my insecurities.

Dear Brian, who still keeps all my letters and gifts. Please burn them. For I have burned your memories too.

Dear Sam, I'm sorry that you feel I screwed up your brother.

Dear Sam's brother Stan, I'm not really sorry. I'm just sorry your borther found out.

Dear Sam.... I never had feelings for you. Don't pretend,  I know you didn’t feel it too.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Ruth,  even if I were straight I wouldn't date you.

Dear Rebecca, I'm sorry I left you standing alone in the middle of the street.

Dear Polly, I was alone and drunk. And I thought you were too.

Dear Kate, I'm sorry you're boyfriend left you. But he never did love you.

Dear Renae, I thought I loved you.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dear Stranger whose name I forgot I'm sorry I ditched you in the middle of the first date. But I was looking for love not for sex.

Dear BRIAN.  BURN THOSE DAMN LETTERS ALREADY. I was a hopeless romantic back in school.

Dear Jack. You were my biggest mistake.

Dear Rob. I was your biggest mistake.

Dear Ross, I'm sorry. But you were married and I was way too young for you.

Dear Spencer. I hope you don't end up like Ross.

Adam And Shane... Karma's a bitch. Remember.

Dear Stefan, I still think of you.

Dearest Brendan. You were the sweetest of all but I'm sorry you left her for me but i couldn't leave him for you.

Dear Raymond, learn to love yourself.

Dear Derek, you were just another doctor not my McDreamy. And I'm truely sorry.

Dear Matthew who has the most beautiful pair of eyes I've ever seen. I'm sorry I stalked you. If I were you, I'd try to forget me too.

Dear Phoenix, Keep telling "that" to yourself.

Dear Kevin,  I hope your soul rests in peace.

Dear Stefan...I Still love you!

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